Lieh not Enough~! (Part 2) -- My Commitments, My Life

Main Label: I, Me & Myself

"Oh no... Lieh not enough le... Everybody wants a piece of Lieh! I wish for 8 more Liehs: (1) One for God, (2) One for family, (3) One for friends (and maybe one more for more friends!), (4) One for games! (5) One for gym and be handsome, (6) One to do Great things! (7) One to do all other little things, (8) One to enjoy every beautiful things in the world, (9) And last one just for simply doing nothing! ... ... ... Ok, reserve for girl friend lah!"

Lieh

(1). God

My God occupies one of the largest portion of my life. Not trying to be "spiritual", but I kind of started "searching God" when I was in primary school. Since then, parts and pieces of my life involves this element of God. Currently there are so many questions in my mind about God, His Unconditional Love, and the Free Will which He freely will for us... Such questions are tough and at times, uncomfortable, up to the extent that I will say my brain is going to burst~! Yet nevertheless, such questions are never harmful as it may seem to be. I do enjoy the process of such thoughts, or I currently call it "my spiritual warfare", or "battling of the mind". The fact is, regardless of the hard part, I can still get some inspirations~! This is my version / style of "seeking the Lord".

(2). Family
Yes, my family is definitely one of the most important element in my life. "I love my family~!" I would say. However, there are times I do realize that I don't know how to love them effectively, and maybe perfectly. Neither their loves for me is the one that I seek and desire. What do I mean by to love effectively & perfectly? It is to love one in a way the person wants to love and be loved. To love someone perfectly is difficult, almost impossible. At times, I couldn't help to think that "perfection" is an illusion. Or to illustrate better, "perfection" is an ever on-going event that you can say that it has no end.

One desire that I have, is to love my parents and sisters and their families effectively. To know them better, to understand their needs and meet those needs. However, this is never a simple task... And this definitely will take whole lot of me to do that of which at times, I am not willing to give in, to give up my certain things just for that, you know.

(3). Friends
Yup, yup, and more friends~! Friends from primary school, secondary school, Poly, MDIS, Church -- CG, ex-CG, Usher Ministry, miscellaneous friends, ex-colleagues, sis' friends, and a very few of friends' friends. Actually, to confess, I am really a shy guy who seldom initiate a conversation with strangers. But my heart is always welcoming new friends. So I really appreciate people who will initiate a conversation with me (conditions apply, oops). What conditions? E.g. Insurance or financial planner who asks you for "a short survey" that kind...

However, there was this moment of my life that I felt so lonely. Although I have many friends as I claimed that, there are times friends are not available when you need them. Yes, some friends will be there for you when you are hurt, just broke up in relationship, severe quarrel with parents, etc. etc. But what I mean is the moment when you just come back from school or work, then you got to travel, got to eat, etc. These are the moment you are left alone when you don't have friends who stay near to you. There are times I gotta eat alone and this is a trouble when I am eating during the peak hour! Yup, no seats and no one help you to jaga your belongings!

Then as I know more of God & Jesus, my inner attitude began to change... (Though I sounded like I am giving testimony and witnessing the Lord Jesus Christ and the Christianity, I am really just saying my heart out. I am not really interested in giving Jesus testimony and witnessing for the time being of my life, I just wanna tell the truth of my heart.) And with God who brought in more friends to me that I came into the situation that I were so busy with friendsss that eventually I yearned for a time to be left alone, so that I can have times for myself~! Haha... Ironic and funny? And that was the time I realized that I really need times for myself, and myself only. I also came into a revelation that:-

"When you are lone, you're alone with God."

Lieh

And this especially true when you know the God that I know; when the God you know will actually respond~!; when you are sensitive to God~! :) :D

There are times when my friends ask me out but I am not free due to other commitments. I felt bad and pity that I can't join them. And this can really result in "lost contact" one. One thing I realized in my life is that, my family and my friends will organize events at the same day! This isn't really that "coincidence" because those day are usually special days (such as Father's & Mother's Day) and public holidays. Don't know why, I always choose to stay with family when such choices occur. There are exceptions of course. Another situation I felt bad with friends is when they invite me for their wedding dinner. I attended some but rejected some too. There are times I felt some "low self-esteem" in me that I don't feel like meeting people to update my life with them. And the more realistic problem is because of the distance and time taken for the travel. Most of my friends are in Singapore but I stay in JB. Because of all these inner and external issues, I rejected some of my friends' wedding dinner. And I felt real bad for not been able to bless them, witness and celebrate such glorious and memorable moment of their life.

I really wish I can have more quality time, and $$$ to spend with my friends. But really, friendships also need "maintenance". Those closest friends don't need much maintenance, but most friends still need it. You shouldn't be so surprised when someone invents "Friendship Management". In the market, there should have something known as "Relationship Management" already. I think it should have covered that too...

(4). Games!!!
Yeah~! Game is really one of the major element of my life~! One of the easiest way to piss off Wei Lieh, is to tell him straight to his eyes "you shouldn't play game..." !!! I tell you, I'll mark you if you tell me this. Hahaha~~~

In the past whenever I told God, "God, I want to play game." God's response is always the same, He said to me, "you can play game, but provided that you need to know how to control it." The reason why I told God that I want to play game is because at that time, I was much "church-focus", which means I spent a lot of time in church, CG, fellowship and ministries that I had not much time for myself to play game. So I was "hinting" God that, "God, you see? I am so focus in Your Kingdom that I don't have time for myself." God knows me definitely and He is aware of what will happen to me when I started playing game. And that's why He said that to me.

True enough, whenever I started a game, especially Role Playing Game (RPG), I tend to have a deep desire to finish them off at one shot. To finish the game until very end, until I have completed every tasks in the game that it ever provides, and until the credits roll up, and reach the final screen of the two words "The End'... And this means that I will ignore to do many other things, except eat, sleep and bath, and then just to give myself a quality and quantity of time to play game! And I will feel being agitated when I am interrupted while playing game... I guess this is the same as when other big boys watching soccer? Anyways, I am never a big fan of soccer.

One thing I realized in my life is that, actually I will not treat playing some online mini games, puzzle games and board games as "playing game". But rather, I treat those games as "killing my time" event. I.e., when I am stuck in a situation that I can only "wait" due to certain factors, so I have this time of waiting, this time to "kill", I will play those games... To me "playing game" is really to play a RPG game. To me, a RPG is like a story book or a movie , but more than a story book or a movie because of the high interaction points, where I am much involved in the story, it is like I am the main character, going through what the character is going. Playing a RPG to me, is like going onto a brand new adventure~! In a world of fantasy, world of magic and stuff.

In the past few years, I would actually hesitated to start a RPG, or an adventure, because of high commitment, i.e. time and effort to start and finish off this adventure. I wanted to change that. So I thought of doing other things first before I start a brand new RPG. And I will put "I want to play (RPG) game" as my core motivation to finish off all the other stuff that I have been accumulated, you know, so that I can have my quality time for my big adventure! Haha...

Sigh, but things are not going so smoothly as I planned. Whenever I tried to do something, problems will arise... resulting in frustration and stuff. When all in my mind is as clear as my core motivation, - "finish all these things then I can start a RPG, and have my new beginning." I was angry... when I tried to solve a CCTV problems, more problems pop up! When I touch computers, computers can spoil out of no where! Then I couldn't help to have a revelation that: "I cannot touch IT stuff", or "I am not fated with IT stuff"! But from another point of view, I am also considering to take up an IT course, because all those problems appears to me as "calling" or "sign and wonder"! Haha...

Because of all those frustrating issue, I tried to cool myself down by watch DVDs... And that's the time I watched a Final Fantasy XII DVD, a compilation of the game, Final Fantasy XII by Square Enix. I knew that I will not have the quality time to play this game in near future, so I thought of buying the DVD to watch and to know the story first before I can find the time to let me enjoy this game. But I was wrong.... After watching the DVD, I AM SO MUCH INSPIRED by it that I am so eager to start playing the game! After certain periods of "struggling" between "to play, or not to play", the desire prevails the problem solving... Yes, finally, after 2 years of its debut, I started playing my long waited favorite RPG, Final Fantasy XII~! I forego my previous plan of finishing other stuffs first before I start my new adventures!

Oops... you may think that I am not a determined person who gives up easily. Or you may think that I don't have much patience. Well let me assure you with this, I am one of the most determined person you can ever meet and I am definitely one of your top 10 most patience guy you can ever know as a friend~! ;) Haha...

Because of the "one thousand and one thing" to-do-list, with the "out of nowhere"-cum-"pattern-liao-liao" problems, also having a great desire to play the game, I finally come into a conclusion or revelation that my life being a Shaoyeah, still stands firmly! I am not suitable to fix stuff like IT, accomplishing tasks, solving problems, because they will "multiply" and multiply "rapidly"! But what a typical Shaoyeah can do, is to enjoy life, enjoy everything that he enjoys, as for my case, playing game! Fair enough, true enough, as I turn on my long rested Playstation2 (PS2), it doesn't go haywire, except that it is a little slow. This is a conflict as my previous stand of "not fated with IT stuff"! Haha...

I am not sure about you if you are in my situation... Come on... when you try to do something great, try to do solve some problems, but the issues do not resolve in an expected manner, and to add, more problems ensue from that directly and indirectly. Then, as you do the things you love and the things you always want to enjoy, it goes PERFECTLY alright. What will you do? What's your decision? What will you choose to do? Will you carry on dwelling with problems or jump out of them and do things that tend to go smoothly with the bonus that you actually enjoy doing that? Do I get some same thoughts as mine? Or do I get some surprising answer as "I will continue to solve those problems and forego my leisure and entertainment"? Truly, if you have the attitude of carry on solving problems, you are the person that I will want to meet in my life with top priority! So please come and meet me and solve all my problems~! Thankz alot ya!

Aiya... actually my original intention is to telling off all the 9 Liehs. But can only end at No.4, Game. Because there are really got a lot to tell man... Haha... Anyway, shall continue again. Read on~! Shall update real soon... heh heh...

Dear God

Main Label: God & Spirituality

We love Him because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

Dear God,
I love you. Thank you for giving me life and soul, the ability to think with wisdom, the ability to feel all the wonderful emotions, and the beautiful mind to see this world with love and hope. Forgetting not, the love for God, the love for Life and the love for every beautiful thing. I really appreciate my life as being "Wei Lieh". :D

I was hesitated to blog for some periods because I realized that my first blog did not mention much about You. Only say "I love You" at the end of the blog... I had a little shame about "not PGF" even in my blog. PGF, an acronym for "Put God First" that I've made up for myself. I know that You won't mind about this, but this is just a way to show my respect to You. However, right here and right now, I am dedicating my second blog to You. Ahaha...

Hmmm... talking about God huh... It got so much to say also. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit; God, the Divine Being; God, my closest friend in heart,... and many other more... My Dear God, I know that all the while You've been drawing me near to You ever since when I was young... When I was in primary 3, you inspired me to ask these questions: "Who created this world?" "What would it be like when the world is/has nothing?" Then when I was in secondary school, You lead me to person who answered part of my query and ignited my desire to know You from a Christian close friend whom also brought me to his neighborhood church. Then when I was in Polytechnic, though I did not attend church services, You still resolved my problem miraculously when I cried out to you without a voice in my mouth. Then in University (MDIS), You again used another Christian friend of mine (from my secondary school) to invite me to Church, and that's City Harvest Church. In this Church, I really learned a lot about You, Jesus, Love and many other things. This is the moment where I get to learn to hear from You, and having so many spiritual encounters with You. My knowledge and faith in You have grown much. I really love this Church~! That place really marks significant chapters in my life.

After 2 years or so, when I graduated and this was the time when my father asked me to go back to Malaysia to help him in his business. Although it was him who had initiated, I know that You also asked me to go back. In a vision, I was like stopped ang kneed down at a junction where there were 2 routes ahead, one pointing JB while the other Singapore, refusing to go on, and I was telling You, "God, but there are still so many things to do here, so many things that I can contribute to You." And then I just felt Jesus smiled at me and said:"That's enough. Let's do something else..." Somehow, I was really convinced by such words. And here I am, came back to JB for 2 years and 4 months already...

Serving God became much more difficult and inconvenience, I almost struggle every Sunday for me to go to Singapore Expo. But, You never stop making things easy for me. One year ago, You lead me to this book call "Conversation with God" by Neale Donald Walsch. My life had an almost 180 Degree turned.

There are people whom by attending seminars, services, reading a book, or watching a movie etc, change their life totally... They always say "it changed my life" and then cry... All the while, I have been looking for such thing to change my life... I was looking for a book that can change my life; I was watching movies in search of the inspiring concept; I was attending those so-called life changing seminars, attending service in the hope that the sermons will hit me with great impact... Those were great moment, really. But those were not bullseye that hit me with the right spot, right hot button. And then, I thought Jesus can, yes all the while I thought my beloved Jesus can, and He does, but still... All the while, I thought my beloved Holy Bible can, and the book does, yet again... Then You lead me into this book, I could still remember when I first started reading it, it was my Birthday. Again, are You trying to hint me something? Is this a present from You? Hah! This book IS the life changing element for me! Yes, it changed my life, just like the book says, it will change my life... And that leads to my current life situation...

No longer I... No longer I am so fervent for Jesus and church services. I pray and worship less, but I do still talk to Jesus... Difficulties and inconveniences are something, but this change of faith, change in my belief system, has done a great deal in hesitating me to attend church services. Every Sunday when I go to the service, it always have a difficult price to pay, every time I was like dragging myself to service. It really uncomfortable and my hearts always feel painful. I wanted to leave, like many other so-called "backsliders" do, to simply go MIA and never come back... But somehow I can't... I've love much that I am not willing to let go... Eventhough "I don't believe Christianity anymore", I still love this Church, the people and most importantly, the Presence of God here! God, why, God? Why is this happening to me? Why can't we settle for a simple life? Why you have to ring such a bell in my heart?

However, regardless of all these "battling of the mind" or the Christian faith's so-called "spiritual warfare", I still do enjoy life. I still do. "Enjoy life" does not necessary mean doing the things I love, having vacation everyday, living a stress-free life, simply doing nothing and letting myself rot. But to me it means to love every beautiful thing, to love every life and their story, to have passion and compassion, to shed tears for the things that have touched me greatly, to love the "feelings of love", to laugh really all out loud for the least or the most funniest and craziest things, to love and be loved, to serve and be served. Somehow, in my heart, I am contented. I know that I have loves and is being loved. And this is always the motivation of my life. When life gets much problems, troubles, disappointments, discouraged, etc., I get no strength to carry on. However, when I think about You and the every beautiful thing that I have come across with in my life, I know that I get refreshed and renewed in my heart to go on with life, to do the things that I really wanna do in my life.

Dear God, I have to say this... Only you are able, able to make me always look at the bright side of the hill; able to know my thoughts before I even think about it; able to encourage me with the right attitude and effective ways that within a second, I can still laugh at my situation, giving me a peace of mind, the wisdom, the courage and a heart that hopes all thing, in order for me to carry on doing the things I wanna do in my life. Only you are able to understand me, handle me, and knows what is best for me. You've known me inside out, outside in. You know every feelings that I treasure, my value system in life, my desires. And to me most importantly, You know how to make me work! Haha... most people don't, they simply command me, hoping I will do something, thinking that I should do this, should do that... But You know that those can't even make me move... Ahaha... Indeed God, I am ... ... ... mesmerized (I'm not sure whether this is a good word to use here) by You always... Amazed by the wonders of You, admire at Your beauty, dwell happily in the concept people call it "in-love". And I'm in love with You.

God, You have successfully entered my entire life. I wanna appreciate You by saying once again, "God, thank You and I love You... Please gimme a life partner..." Ahahahahahahaha... no lah, "Dear God, I thank You to be with me always, to allow me to be the person I want to be, to do the things that I want to do in my life. God, I love You from the fullness of my heart, the deepest of my desire and with much loves that cannot be expressed with words. Also with the loves that I have loved until I don't know how to love anymore I am saying this to You." *muak*